Still Alive

I haven’t posted anything in a while because my house has been ground zero for a stream of low-level plagues. Luckily, we appear to have come out the other side. I have developed a strange cough in the last 24 hours, but I’m telling myself that it’s just a dry throat, and that the taste of blood on the back of my tongue is nothing to worry about.

ANYWAY…. Star Wars Battlefront 2 comes out next week, on November 17. I wrote the single player campaign with my good pal Mitch Dyer. It is a thing of beauty, and I ought to know because I helped make it. So you should definitely buy it.

Here’s a video of Mark Thompson (game director at EA Motive) and I talking about creating Iden Versio, the main character and commander of the Empire’s elite unite, Inferno Squad. Let’s watch it together and wonder what is going on with my hair.

PUBG: The Movie

When PC Gamer asked me to write a screenplay based on PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds, the popular battle royale game, I couldn’t say yes fast enough. We’ve waited years for a faithful, entertaining film based on a video game property. Well, I was tired of waiting. If Hollywood couldn’t do it, then I would. So, without further ado, I present you…

Battleground: Players Unknown
Based on the Game “PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds” by PlayerUnknown

You’re welcome.

Call Time

INT. RECORDING BOOTH

A DIRECTOR and AUDIO ENGINEER stand in a recording booth. The booth is ready for a day’s work – there’s a chair, script stand, mic, even a small craft service table with bottled water, fruit plate, various bagels, cream cheese, butter, and assorted silverware.

The Director and Engineer are not looking at the craft service table. Their eyes are focused on the DEAD COW lying in the middle of the room.

ENGINEER
If you want to cancel the session, I understand.

DIRECTOR
We already paid for the booth time.

ENGINEER
In cases like this, I don’t think a refund is out of the question.

DIRECTOR
This has happened before?

ENGINEER
Officially, no.

DIRECTOR
And unofficially?

ENGINEER
I can’t say.

They stare at the dead cow in silence for a moment. It’s a lot to take in.

DIRECTOR
Has anyone tried moving it?

ENGINEER
It’s too heavy.

DIRECTOR
So, you have tried.

ENGINEER
No.

DIRECTOR
How do you know it’s too heavy if you haven’t tried?

The Engineer grabs the dead cow firmly by one ankle, and tugs. It doesn’t move.

ENGINEER
It’s too heavy.

DIRECTOR
Good to know.

ENGINEER
I feel like we already did.

DIRECTOR
We have to exhaust all options.

ENGINEER
What if I pulled and you pushed?

DIRECTOR
Absolutely not. Can’t do it. Vegan.

ENGINEER
I’m not suggesting we eat it. Though technically that would work.

DIRECTOR
It’s not about the eating. Meat is murder, no exception. I won’t have its blood on my hands.

ENGINEER
I think it died of a heart attack, so your hands are probably fine.

DIRECTOR
The blood was figurative. My moral dilemma is not.

ENGINEER
Well, we need to think of something. You only booked the room for 4 hours.

The Director nods his understanding. He turns to the dead cow; bows respectfully.

DIRECTOR
I’m sorry, but we have to cut you into little pieces now. Namaste.

ENGINEER
We just had these carpets cleaned, so how about we don’t do that.

DIRECTOR
I’m not seeing another option.

ENGINEER
We could call Animal Services.

DIRECTOR
There’s no time. You’ll have to work fast.

The Director grabs a butter knife off the craft table; hands it to the Engineer.

ENGINEER
Why me?

DIRECTOR
It’s your booth.

ENGINEER
I’ve never cut up an animal before.

DIRECTOR
Sure you have. You eat steak. You’re already a pro.

ENGINEER
I really don’t think this is sharp enough.

DIRECTOR
You underestimate yourself. Just press really hard.

The Engineer uses the knife to cut the stick of butter on the craft service table. It takes considerable effort. The Director watches him with pity.

ENGINEER
In my defense, this butter is practically frozen.

DIRECTOR
You realize butter is meant to be served at room temperature.

ENGINEER
I do now. I’ll pass it on to our office manager.

DIRECTOR
Please do. She’s ruining her clients’ butter experience.

ENGINEER
I thought you were vegan.

DIRECTOR
And that precludes me from knowing how to serve dairy?

ENGINEER
I’m just surprised you care about people’s butter experience.

DIRECTOR
Forgive me for not fitting into your stereotype. Bigot.

ENGINEER
I feel like we’ve gotten off point.

DIRECTOR
Have we? Tell me, what’s a more suitable topic than your casual hate speech?

The Engineer motions to the dead cow. The Director looks at the deceased bovine with mild surprise, as if he’d forgotten it was there.

DIRECTOR
How’d it even get through the door?

ENGINEER
No idea. They just do, somehow.

DIRECTOR
So, this has happened before.

ENGINEER
I really can’t say.

The Engineer nods agreement and mouths the words, “All the time.”

FIN.

Healing the World Through Flow Charts

Everyone makes mistakes. It’s normal, until you make a mistake on the internet, and then it is anything but. Or so I’ve been told. I’ve never made a mistake, and my eyes – blue, like a Mykonos sky – have never been sullied by the World Wide Web. But, for everyone else, I’ve created this chart to help you survive the inevitable day when you tweet something unforgivable, like “Teen Titans Go! is better than OG Teen Titans and Young Justice combined.” Be brave. Be brave. Be brave.

the chart

Podcast Round-Up

Last week, I had the pleasure of stopping by three of my favorite podcasts to talk about Significant Zero and so much more.

Learn about my failed career as a teenage mall thief on Vidjagame Apocalypse, Ep. 231!

On Rebel FM, Ep. 384, I introduce you to the insanity that is Brewster McCloud and explain why Playdead’s latest game, INSIDE, is actually a comedy.

And finally, on Author Stories, Ep. 225 with Hank Garner, I talk about how I went from writing video games to a book, and how I was totally unprepared for both.

What are you waiting for? The weekend is upon us. You’ve got 48 uninterrupted hours to let my silky-smooth voice fill your ears. Hit play now.

SIGNIFICANT ZERO, OUT YESTERDAY!

That’s right! My book did not come out today, which is the day that would make sense since I’m just now posting about it. No, it came out yesterday. The day before today. Why am I late? Well, you see, I was very busy trying to not freak out. Unsurprisingly, freaks outs are less likely to occur the further you are from the internet. And that’s why I didn’t post about my book coming out yesterday. Yes. That is the reason. It had absolutely nothing to do with me being curled in a chair reading Spider-Man comics all day. Nothing whatsoever.

*ahem*

OMG MY BOOK IS OUT BUY IT BUY IT NOW

Beyond, Ep. 510

If you enjoyed my appearance on Kinda Funny Gamecast, then may I suggest checking out this episode of IGN’s Beyond? It’s the only podcast brave enough to ask if Lando hooked up with an Ewok. The answer may surprise you.